Digging out of my Hole

I was looking back at my posts since this blog started

and I am a bit disappointed with myself.

My intent was to be super structured about posting 2 -3 times per week 

and with those posts include 1 to 2 recipes per week.

What I was not banking on was finding out I was pregnant at the end of June

and being super sick all summer

and having cravings for all things sweet and full of carbs.

I'm not joking here, the smell of lettuce made 

me physically sick until at LEAST late October!

Now if that did not throw enough of a wrench in 

my plans I had placenta previa, limiting my physical exercise

and then an abdominal hernia so I was really just

trying to stay afoot with my job at the gym and 

my two little rugrats and this crazy puking that would not quit.

But life happens right?!?

I kept telling myself after the baby came I would jump right back in full swing.

What I was absolutely NOT prepared for 

was for this baby not to come.

Three weeks ago about 33 weeks into my pregnancy

I went to the OB and said that I was concerned that 

fetal movements were slowing down.

I was not totally freaking out because I was still feeling large movements 

just not the constant crazy kicks and punches

you expect in the third trimester.

They hooked me up to check on my sweet Morgan and 

could not find a heartbeat.

At that moment I felt as though time stopped.

She must have been mistaken.

Didn't she know she was supposed to tell me 

I was just being a worry wart and everything was fine?

I don't think I will ever forget the look on the doctors face

when I asked her to please tell me what was wrong.

The next few days are a bit of a blur of wretched and painful emotions.

I had to undergo a c-section and then my husband and I were blessed to have a few special

moments with our little angel. But it was not enough. 

I am happy I got to hold her in my arms but there is so much more 

that I will never get, so many things about her I will never know.

There really are no words to describe the hurt and sadness of it.

I do not want to go too far into this as I am still struggling to find my way

through the grief but now I find myself home,

healing from the surgery, loving on my two other children,

walking blindly through this tragedy with my husband 

and trying to grab onto things that I can control and pull myself

back into reality and start focusing on looking forward.

Easier said than done of course.

But I still have baby weight to lose, 

I still want to be healthy and 

I still want help my kids learn to be healthy.

So even though most days I feel like burying myself in a vat of ice cream,

I am battling back. 

My husband and I are recommitting to our healthy eating habits,

focusing on keeping artificial ingredients and flavors out of the house and 

meal planning our menus, loading the fridge and pantry with real food ingredients and

paying more attention to portion sizes and protein/veggie/carb ratio's.

So while I recommit to this I am really going to try and diligently be honest with 

all of you. Sharing both the things we do right and the mistakes we make.

So join us in our journey to a healthy family and a healthy kitchen!